Is love alive?

They say that things just cannot grow
Beneath the winter snow
Or so I have been told

They say we're buried far
Just like a distant star
I simply cannot hold

Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?

 I still believe in summer days
The seasons always change
And life will find a way

I'll be your harvester of light
And send it out tonight
So we can start again

Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?

Sara Bareilles and Ingrid Michaelson – “Winter Song”

The funny thing about lyrics that cling to your heart, is that you find their specific meaning evolves over time. Perhaps the message is always still the same, we just receive it differently. I've been thinking about this old "deployment" song. Not just because it's on my Christmas {Spotify} playlist, but because of a curious little thing I've been marveling about lately.

When I was pregnant with Damian, Rocky gave me an Orchid for Mother's Day. I loved the pretty white flowers, but during the move & new baby & a slew of home renovations... it just kind of died. Two dried sticks & one last withering leaf were all that remained. Such a far cry from the lovely gift it once was.

I was so attached to it I couldn't throw it out. I carefully watered it. I moved it around, "to get the right amount of sunlight." For almost two years, none of my efforts seemed to matter. Every once in a while I contemplated replacing it with a new flower. Even recently I took it out of the vase & had intentions to discard it. I just couldn't actually go through with it. In the back of my mind,

I had the smallest hope that since it hadn't deteriorated entirely, maybe it wasn't over.

It's been hiding in a corner of our dining room, high above Damian's busy hands. When I moved it to do some rearranging last week, I noticed a curious little thing...

A

new

bud.

Not just one, but two! These little baby sprouts have made me so proud. The bright green digested sunshine in the midst of a grey canvas has been good medicine for me.

Nevermind what they say...


♥

Dreamy December

Definitely a "one step forward, two steps back" {or however that goes} kind of day. It seems like no matter what I tried to do, there was consistently a force staggering my attempt at progress.

The boys went to bed a little early, so I'm catching up with a little work & remembering the
little victories. These pictures are from one of my favorite mornings with Damian.
They remind me to have a little optimism, because tomorrow truly "is a day with no mistakes in it."

This rabbit was a gift from my husband's family when he returned from Afghanistan.
It plays "There's No Place Like Home for the Holidays" and Ocean loves it {he adores everything musical}. He doesn't realize that it almost moves us to tears to hear this particular song.
At times it's been very difficult & we are far from perfect...
but oh how I treasure this little family of mine. ♥

Sweet Treats

These two...

Oh how their smiles bring me life. ♥

Strings

Sorting through a thesaurus to find the right word to describe the last several months. "Distressing" seems like such a lightweight. To even begin to describe it feels like opening Pandora's box & to be honest, I am at a point right now where I want to set it on the mantle and walk away for a while.
No more late night talks.
No more emails. 
No more crying.
No more texts.
No more sad songs. 
No more crying.
I want a break from all the things that are wrong in my life.

In the haze of the depression that accompanies seasons like this, I woke up one morning with the usual difficulty of getting out of bed. Somehow, in the usual web of leftover voices & thoughts that had been replaying for months, a new one spoke:

"Set yourself free."

I don't even know if I know what that means, but it hasn't stopped me from adapting this to be my personal mantra. Whatever strings other people are using to control me, I want to stop.
For good.
I am on a journey to discover what it could be like if I took care of myself & respected myself.
If I could make decisions that aren't manipulated by anyone else's thoughts or opinions.
If I could truly be the caption of each day.
For the longest time I had been the sorry product of their expectations.
With much pain, I admit, it soured everything good in my life.

Every time I cut one of their strings, it feels so good to see it go.
Never to be replaced with another.

Vintage Indian dancing Elephant puppet

Farewell Summer

I found myself peeking at this site this morning. As I saw two little guys who have already outgrown these summer pictures, I knew I have to make an effort to post more of their pictures & stories.

  

In the middle of a hurricane, there are beautiful moments.
 I don't want to forget how wonderful they are.

September 2011

Every summer gives rise to an innocence that quickly expires. 

K is for Kevin

Here are some photos from the past week as we've checked out Kevin's new school. He is starting kindergarten today & I really think he'll like it. Even though it's been a hard one for Rocky & I to take in. Everything started happening really fast once he was accepted into this school district. He is enrolled through an open enrollment program since we don't have any schools close to us & our choices were not promising. There is a Montessori school so close and it would be wonderful to walk him up there. But we aren't religious & wanted him to have a public school like we both did. It was also very small, and I want Kevin to have an experience where he has multiple teachers/students. The school we chose is a 20 minute commute, but he is near the base (where Rocky works), so we plan on taking turns driving him. It's from 8-2:10 everyday... it is so odd to pack his lunch so young!

You can see more on my photography blog here.

I am really impatient to hear how his day went!

Paper Ribbon Stretchers & Hydrangeas

We needed to get out of the house, so on Sunday I took the boys shopping. Kevin found the toys at Pier 1 and uncovered a "ribbon stretcher." I absentmindedly told him to put it back. Then I remembered how much I enjoyed getting them from my elementary school.

One day a year, they had a fundraiser in February. I remember getting these little toys specifically from that mini carnival. There is something surprising & mystifying about being able to swat people with them & reach them without being in arm's reach. My brother Steven & I pretended they were swords as we walked home in the snow. We hit each other with them until they ripped.

I wanted Kevin to experience the phenomenon of having one. All for one dollar.

 

I love Hydrangea bushes. Rocky planted a row of them for me & I stare at them often. I always remember that line from "It's a Wonderful Life" and they feel so legendary.

I was distracted from the boys for a moment & turned around to this adorable scene. I took this before I changed the exposure & it was really dark. I had to include it though. This was such an honest moment, I will treasure it forever. Probably more because if I would have stopped to make sure it was exposed perfectly, I would have missed it.

I put these last two photographs together on purpose. By the end of the night, after baths, both of them ended up crying over something. It was humorous to look back & see quickly their little moods changed so drastically. Definitely had long phone call with Rocky & a little wine after they finally went to bed.

That man I've been missing all week comes home tomorrow.
We are all so excited. It feels like Christmas Eve around here. ♥

Trashy Treasure

It's been overcast & rain clouds have been flirting with us most of the week. 

I don't mind it so much. 

Grey skies are calming. 

It kind of feels like fall & that isn't so bad.
It matches my mood. 

This morning's walk was almost called off due to some light rain,
but we decided to go ahead & stick it out.

I talked Kevin out of his shark flip flops & he slipped on his old boots.
I let him borrow my umbrella.
I think I need to get him his own sometime.

We live in a little circle where the homes are small but we have generous yards.

Kevin adores helping Rocky take care of ours.

When I spotted a weed whacker sitting by someone's trash, I contemplated whether to let Kevin take it.
I like to repurpose & all, but I've never felt the need to take something that was set out for the trash.
Especially something that looks so much like a piece of trash.

 It was clearly broken & the blades removed. 

But then I knew how thrilled Kevin would be to have one to use alongside his dad.

I can buy him shiny new toys but after the thrill of opening the box, there's not a lot of interest.
After he toted it home & I saw his eyes shining, I knew I did a good thing.

Rocky is spending a week staying next to the River Walk in San Antonio.

I am jealous, but if someone had to stay in one of my favorite cities & eat delicious Mexican food... 

I'm glad it's my very best friend. ♥

Rocky's Ride

His eyes teared up as he spoke with conviction, "It's like the best birthday I've ever had."

"Rocky, it's not your birthday."

Then we laughed. I knew what he meant.
He was on his way to buy the bike of dreams & was slightly enthusiastic.

When I met Rocky, he had two things that meant the world to him. A sporty little black coupe & a bull mastiff, Max. Rocky didn't blink an eye when it was time to sell his car in order to get a "Kevin friendly" suv. Since then, he rotates between his old Suzuki bike & a car that somehow makes it to work everyday. He loves putting miles on that little thing & never complains. Although he does sometimes mention that without air conditioning his 30 minute commute kind of sucks.

This week it seemed the motorcycle gods decided he needed a break. He found a buyer for his current bike & a shop in Columbus posted a Hayabusa in {of course} black. I will admit that I couldn't remember the name of it & did a search on Google for Suzuki H... in order to figure out how to spell it. All I can tell you is that he is crazy about it.

Some parts of our life haven't been easy peesy {as Kevin would say}. I think we've ridden the roller coaster with white knuckles & came out breathlessly leaning on each other. He's taken care of our little family from Afghanistan, from a wheelchair, & from blood sweat & tears as he has ripped this little house apart in order to build it into something better for us.

My heart was just so happy to see how happy he was.

He tells me that he can't think of anything else he could possibly want. I have a feeling that sometime soon he's going to find a little droopy eyed, slobbering, four legged friend that wants to live with us & play frisbee with all the mans.

Honestly, I can't wait.♥

 

 We took a little ride & it is definitely a comfy upgrade from his last one.

 

Happy Father's Day Rocky.  ♥